The British Obsession with Queuing and a Visit to the Doctor - Part 1

Now let’s get back to the topic in hand. Now as I said British queuing comes with its own set of rules. You must always queue in an orderly fashion. Not get too close to the person in front of you. Be patient and courteous to the other people in the queue, but probably best not to talk to them, and what ever you do don’t leave the queue or you will automatically lose your place. And of course, the biggest rule breaker in the art of queuing is, never, never, “push in”. This is a crime punishable by death and will be dished out by all the other people in the queue, who up until now, were very calm and controlled. Anyway, let’s leave this murderous scene and return to my Polish observations.

So why am I rattling on about queuing I hear you say. People queue here in Poland! Polish people queue at the supermarket check-out. They queue at the MacDonald’s drive through and they also queue at the cash point, or should I say ATM? (No that’s American) but if you do know what I’m talking about we English affectionately call it the hole in the wall. Now yes, it’s true queuing is not a totally alien concept here in Poland, but the one place where I do wish I could teach some English rules of queuing along with some good old British organisational skills is at the doctor's. Now I have to say recently I was poorly and had to pay a visit to my local doctors. By the way, poorly is a very polite way of saying not very well. Sort of thing you granny says to you.

Example:

Grandma: “Arrr you poor poor thing have you been poorly”?

Tony: No grandma I’ve not been poorly I’ve been bloody ill! I nearly died”!

Anyway, basically I was bloody ill and had to go to the doctor. And this is how it goes. To start with you get off on the wrong foot because they search the computer for your details and even though I’m fully registered here in Poland with a real social security number, can you believe it; of course I’m nowhere to be found in the dark recess of the computers memory banks. I'm just floating somewhere in that black hole, with all the other lost souls.

Anyway, after much confusion I finally make my way upstairs to the doctor’s waiting room. Now as I have learned, from a previous visit, the Polish etiquette is on arrival to shout out across the room to the other sickly dying patients and ask who is waiting for Dr Frankenstein and of course establish who is next and where you fit-in into an imaginary queue. Then, randomly take a seat and continually scan the room. One to make sure you are following who is going in and out of the doctor's office and two to make sure no one sneaks in when it should be your turn. Because, unlike back in England, this is not a crime punishable by death and you will certainly not get any help with dishing out this punishment from your fellow queuers in the waiting room, especially as they are all sick and dying. Now call me strange, but we British often are, but this is simply bizarre. It’s a very complicated system and one that is even harder to operate if like me you speak little to no Polish. So waiting six hours to finally work out my place in the queue to see a doctor is not uncommon for me.

To be continued...

Vocabulary

courteous - polite, considerate

to push in - to force one's way into a group of people

to dish out - criticise, punish

to rattle on - talk about something for a long time

alien - foreign

to get off on the wrong foot - make a bad start by doing something completely wrong

to sneak in - move furtively

queuer - a person waiting in a queue